I just got back earlier this week from San Francisco, where I have decided to move in order to figure things out (life, job, etc). After conducting some empirical analysis and running some Monte Carlo simulations, I have found that the optimal roommate setup for me is to live with 1 guy, and 2 girls (4 people total). Here are the various roommate options and why they are flawed in further detail:
Me + 0 Guys, 3 Girls - Sure, living with all women might sound fun and any teenage boy would fantasize about this opportunity but the truth is that this is one of the biggest mistakes a guy can make. One of the cardinal rules of housing is that you do not hook up with your roommates. Sure it sounds hot but if things don't work out or if they get complicated, you are guaranteed drama every single day you wake up because it is living next door to you. And if you don't hook up with your roommates, then you just sit back and watch them bring home other guys while you end up feeling like the gay best friend. It is a lose-lose proposition and if you ever have any grievances, all the other girls are going to form an alliance and gang up on you because that is what women do.
Me + 3 Guys, 0 Girls - On the flip side, living with all guys is just as bad as living with all girls. It sucks because you are living in a testosterone-filled home and it will probably be dirty as hell too (imagine all that pee accumulating on those toilet rims). On top of that, if you ever bring a girl over, it is like bringing in your girlfriend to visit you at prison. You are guaranteed to have at least one jackass try to cock block you. And if there are ever any disagreements, men settle things with their fists so there is always the risk of getting punched in your face in your very own living room. No thanks. I'll pass.
Me + 2 Guys, 1 Girl - This is a little better than having all guys because we introduce a female into the population. However, this also creates tension because all of a sudden all the fellas are going to be trying to win the heart of the lady of the house. The living situation will get hostile as all the men try to outdo each other and impress the lucky lady and if you end up losing, then you have to sit back and watch the alpha male parade his prized female around the house everyday. And if you end up winning the girl, then you have to always watch your back because the two other guys are undoubtedly planning how to bring you down.
Me + 1 Guy, 1 Girl - This is also another terrible situation because I would be in competition for the girl with the other guy (similar to the previous scenario). And if the guy and girl ever hook up (or might be already hooking up before you even move in), you automatically become the third wheel every time you are home. Can you say aaaaaaaaawkward?
Me + 1 Guy, 2 Girls - Ding ding ding! We have a winner! The house will be perfectly balanced between 2 guys and 2 girls. There will be one woman for each man and vice versa should we all decide to violate the cardinal rule of hooking up with roommates. But really, you don't want to hook up with your female roommates because that is like killing the golden goose. You have your female roommates introduce you to their female friends so you can meet more people without bringing the drama home. And if there are any disagreements, the balance of power is equal between the brotherhood and sisterhood.
In my next post, I will discuss what the roommate search process was like and how I failed to find housing during my week in San Francisco.
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